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Discover
The Inner Motive Behind Behavior.
What are the inner needs which motivate much of our
behavior? Let me mention three: the first is the need to love and be
loved. I feel good about myself when I am helping others. Conversely feel
significant when I believe that someone genuinely loves me and is looking
out for my interest.
A second inner need is the need for freedom - the
desire to order my own life and not be controlled by another. Free to have
thoughts, desires, and feelings as a person. When someone seeks to squelch
these, I feel threatened and may fight back.
A third need is the need for significance - to feel
that my life counts for something. Many people do volunteer work out of
this motive. When the spouse complains that they should not waste so much
time in volunteer work, they are striking a the persons need for
significance.
It should be clear that if we don't understand the
inner motivation of our spouse's behavior we will likely miss judge their
behavior and end up hurting them deeply. Hurt people fight back. It is
worth the effort to try to discover the inner motive behind your spouse's
behavior.
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